Sunday, March 26, 2017

'It Is What It Is Man'

When people ask me how i feel about living away from home i don't even really know how to answer that question. I love my life in Church Hill (Richmond Virginia). I have a husband who is sweet and kind yet strong and wise. He loves me and our boys with such a fullness and humility. We believe after much prayer and consideration that this is where we are supposed to be. I love our friends, our community, spiritual family and how we feel God is moving here in the East End of Richmond. Day to day i feel full, content, happy and confident that we are following the path God has laid out for us. I can honestly say i would not be the person i am today had a handsome southern boy not swept me off my feet and moved me here to the other side of the world. However moving to the other side of the world has not always been a fairytale. It has painfully stripped away many of the ‘false comforts’ or ‘band-aids’ that formed my identity and kept me chugging along through a life apart from Jesus. However over time i have discovered who i really am and to Whom I belong. My identity, peace and happiness is not based on circumstances, beauty, my family, material things, intelligence, popularity, pleasing people, keeping up appearances or what i do but rather is firmly rooted in Christ Jesus. I not longer feel tossed about. 

Ecclesiastes 2:11 
But as i looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless—like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.

BUT… the pain of saying goodbye to my family after every visit to Perth doesn't get any easier. Its seven years into my life in the USA and we arrived home from a trip to Perth 48 hours ago. We normally come home and i just "soldier on", switch off Australia and jump straight back into life but its 4AM Monday morning and I'm completely undone, anxious and fearful about facing the day. My plan for soldiering on and pushing through the jet lag is not really working. I haven't really slept since Wednesday. I'm frustrated and feeling hopeless.  To be honest I don't feel my prayers being answered or Gods grace meeting me in my current situation. I’m trying to rock Gideon to sleep while trying to keep Sammy away so he doesn't keep waking Gideon up. Gabriel is awake in his bed upstairs and the poor little buddy has to start back at school in a couple of hours. I have had 1.5 hours of sleep after days of intermittent naps at best and i am so afraid of how I am going to make it through the day. Yesterday my head hurt so intensely, probably from lack of sleep, that I threw up into one of the boys Paw Patrol buckets. i am typically someone who just gets on with it. If something needs to be done then I'm going to just do it. As my brother Rhys would say "it is what it is man." But i felt so exhausted, afraid, heartsick and frustrated. 

Enter in the sweet nudge of the Holy Spirit saying “what exactly is it that you want to invite me into? what are you not acknowledging? what hurt do you want me to touch? I cant help you if you are not willing to acknowledge whats going on and what your feeling.” It wasn't even on my radar but all of a sudden I realized what I was too afraid to face.  I heard from deep within myself......"I wish my mum were here right now. She would know just how to help, just what to do with the boys. I miss my family."   I just cried for hours. I don't think I've ever really allowed myself to feel the weight of these things.

The sweetness of a God who feels our pain, cares about our feelings and hurts, captures and cares about every tear, Who understands our feelings better than we do, binds up the broken hearted, weeps with us. In that moment I knew that it was safe to feel because i knew Who to take it to. Its OK to acknowledge my tears, fears, and despair.  Its just another opportunity to knock down some walls I have around my heart and release some emotions I have buried deep for fear of acknowledging pain. And to simply say "pull me a little closer Lord and meet me where I am today."  But He can only meet us where we first acknowledge that we need to be met. He knows what to do with our tears, fears, weakness, emotions. He sees it all through the eyes of love.

‘I dont understand the mystery of Grace— only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us’ Anne Lamott

And in that moment He left me with a couple of go to words for the days ahead. 

Philippians 4:19 
And my God will meet all you needs according to the riches of his glory in christ jesus. 

Joshua 1:5
No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As i was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave or forsake you. 

When we are at our most raw, vulnerable, ugly we need to pause and say "pull me a little closer Lord." 

I don't know why i ended up here on the other side of the world but…

Isaiah 55:9
For as heaven is higher than earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 

He has been so faithful to thrive us and provide for us where we have been planted. In the middle of the tears, the sleep deprivation, and long nights watching the sun come up i can't help but feel thankful and grateful. That is something that can only make sense in the Kingdom of God. He always shows up in places we are not even looking. 

Psalm 27:13
I remain confident of this: i will see the goodness of the Lord while i am here in the land of the living.

So how do i answer the question ‘What is it like living so far away from your family?’ It really hurts and i miss them and there are moments like these i especially wish my mum were here, BUT GOD!

God is real
God is good

Food for thought:  What emotions do we strive and drive our way out of acknowledging?


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